day 2

I  have screwed up!  Just that fast, I have!  When learning coaching, we learnt to actually celebrate our failures.  Not sure any more if this is such a reasonable idea, but I get the meaning of it; not to fall if you fail or something.

Sleeping turns out to be terribly important, and for me also emotions. Emotions turn my life upside down and I was trying yesterday to really keep myself intact. You know like one of those fictitious characters who always have their hair done and stuff?  you know like this pretty girl, the fiancé in the new movie  "Dirty grandpa". Yes, sure they show her losing in the end and not living life to the fullest, and yes  I do agree, but ...ah...part of me has always and forever - probably- will envy this kind of women...self contained and they know what they want and where to go.... they master their emotions not be run around by them, like some girls... who never grow up really into full women, I guess.

Anyway, apart from this extra baggage flowing in the paragraph above, let me review together with myself what I have done. 

1- I was very upset yesterday and though I handled it in a cool way, it somehow I guess, did not let me sleep at night. my emotional insecurities must have run out in the room and kept playing with my pillows and hair locks. 

2- So I woke up devastated and when I finally went to sleep by 2pm, I woke up feeling as if I was drugged and guess what? I was too tired to drag myself into the kitchen and myself and my son we ordered the junkiest food ever "Mcdonalds" yeeekes... it is lousy, tasteless but somehow you miss junk every once in a while...

So here I failed tremendously.

Another failure that was not so tremendous; I was craving sweets, so I stole a few marshmallows from my son's room. The good thing is that I restrained myself from going further, which by the way was so damn tempting... I talked myself into the fact that I read a couple of days ago . It says that the more you eat sweets, the more you are incapable of using the restraint buttons in your brain or something of the sort.  So, it is like a vicious circle in the end. 

I have not meditated. I have taken my medications.  I have followed by son's work progress so far.  and one thing I did that needs applause.  In place of pushing myself to go out and do my errands since I am off from work due to sickness.. I actually respected the temple of my soul; my body and let it rest.  I confronted myself with " do you really think you can drive in such state?" which is totally not my habitual stand. It was an achievement taken in consideration my usual super woman attitude.

So, at least I am quite conscious of my behaviors which is a progress in itself and at the same time, this blog therefore is doing its job properly.

Resting is an achievement for me and I am also reading about changing habits. 

not so great, but I will not get discouraged.

 

day 1

Along the years I have learnt to do so many things.  I have not learnt one thing, though, or may be 2...well they are both related terribly; taking care of myself and putting boundaries. The kind of boundaries that I want , not the ones everyone wants to put or that sort of thing. 

I decided to make this blog in an attempt to really encourage myself to move on with this.  This is not my first trial or first resolution to finally take care of myself. And obviously I am not the only failure at that.  As I was trying to invent an address for the blog, I found all taken... all titles related to self care have been already been taken 

Of course  I blame the educational system for this; they teach all sort of bullshit that you are not going to use but they never teach to take care of yourself.  The threats have changed too.  now they are too many responsibilities, too much stress, too much overload of pollution and information and rings and alarms.  And I am at a mess. Not the first time, of course.

I have bronchitis right now, with a certain virus that I am not even curious to know what it is.  I have anxiety and my hands today for no clear reason are trembling.  I have a continuous and a very terribly dynamic and energetic to do lists and a calendar that seems to be unable to cope with all of that stuff. 

Recently I have decided to minimize as much as I can and I have dropped down almost every extra-work thing I do.  I have a dropped the idea of creating my own company for now at least. I have said no to several training programs that I was invited to do because their timings would have messed my life even more. 

I have last year, out of sheer despair, went to a very nice place to rejuvenate and it was great . For the first time I spent 10 days away from family and simply doing whatever I please while detoxing and fasting. I have also gone to a weight loss and health bootcamp and it was amazing. And I am also going to India now for a rejuvenation and oil stuff for a week next March. 

These are usually extreme responses to a body that is falling and a mind that is failing me now. 
And, unfortunately, these are not the answer.

They are great, nevertheless, when I go back home it all starts again and it is only a matter of days till my best of intentions and greatest of expectations wilt like a flower that has no water.  And it all happens over and over again.  And, I worry of old age. I went to the doctor a couple of days ago and he asked me about my age.  I have to say, that no matter how much I repeat my age honestly, I was surprised to hear it: 45.  it felt wrong or strange.  I do not mind the age, I think I still look good and I think the forties are definitely fine, finer than many other before and after. I just do not want to be crippled when I get old.  I do not want to be unable to move or to have shaky hands or to go paranoid.  I do not want to depend on someone. or actually, to need to depend on someone and find nobody or in the best case, find somebody and feel like an old bag of burden.  And I do not want to live life like this. I want to have my hobbies, my travels and my friends.  But, I am not - to say the truth- working towards that direction at all. 

I have no time for hobbies. I rarely meet my friends and yes, thank God, I do travel a lot and my list of places to go to is still quite long.

So, anyway, again I decided to do something about it.  It is a bit discouraging to do this for the I-don't know ...th times. , but in my heart and mind I still see it better than not to keep trying.  at least it does provide a well-deserved and terribly-needed help for my body, heart and soul.

So,  my current resolution is about systems... which I suck at.

Meditation morning and night
Plan my food so I do not jump at any steak like a panting dog or mostly on all the sweets that I can lay my hands on,
massage weekly for my back and neck and the other screaming joints
Gym; yeah starting next week after I recover, though with my knee osteoarthritis I am not sure what to do. And In Egypt, here it is really not easy to find a doctor who would actually talk to you more than 3-5 minutes.
Sleep at 10:30... will try that. I wake up at 6:15, so I need sleep.  Plus, it is true when you sleep less, you eat more.  at least that works for me
Pray more consistently.  It helps me feel grounded
Vitamins; especially vitamin B and D, and that other vitamin for my hair and nails.

Today, I started by a face mask and a hair oil bath , and making the blood tests that my Dr. asked for and also I request a thyroid test because I was wondering with my unbelievably brittle nails and falling hair and increasing weight if my thyroid, rather than my behaviors, could be the culprit. 

well now, I will go actually heat some veggie soup and eat a chicken breast and than shower.  I have actually bought this serum anti-hair loss and never used it. May be today, I will. 

Good luck to me, 

and by the way, if anyone comes across this blog, I am fine with that. But, I am not really gonna share it with anyone. it is just another attempt to get me more committed or at least less foggy in my brain.
and that's all I guess for now. 
Writing is also good for me. it helps me become me.